Turning Thirty: Planning My Story

I love birthdays, and I love planning parties. I turn thirty next week, and there is no way I’m going to let that pass by without a big celebration. I’ve booked my favourite venue, designed flyers, invited all the best people, and spent far too long on Pinterest searching for those perfect little touches to make it special. I’m a planner, and I’ve always got very specific ideas in mind. I’ll be happy if everything plays out the way I imagine, right down to the smallest, glitter-covered detail.

… those characters I had grown to love, died

That’s why turning thirty is so challenging for me. I don’t just plan parties, I plan life. I wrote my own story, with specific characters and settings, but somewhere in my twenties, God shouted ‘plot twist!’ and took it in a different direction*. My world was shaken and torn apart, and those characters I had grown to love, died. My twenties flew by, but they also held some of the longest, most painful, years of my life. Now, stood at the brink of a new decade, I’m anxious for where the story may (or may not) lead.

Our closest friends know the story, and others have guessed, but we’ve never openly talked about it until now.

By the time I turned thirty, I planned to have four children. I’ve always wanted to be a mum. The journey started well, and I met and married Jan in my late teens/early twenties, and we both wanted to start a family straight away. Jan wanted ten children (!) but we eventually settled on four. A girl, twin boys, and another girl, and we named them all**. We had some John Lewis gift vouchers left over from our wedding, so we bought a few things we liked: a lovely moses basket, some onsies, socks, and a soft blue elephant. I bought pregnancy magazines, and we moved to Reading because we wanted our children to grow up at a church we liked. We imagined who they would take after and look like, where we would take them on holiday, how we would raise and educate them, the little inside jokes we would have as a family, Christmases and birthdays, discipline and tantrums, joy and laughter, university, marriage, grandchildren.

I had created them, I had loved them, and I would never know them.

My world shattered when we found out they would never exist. The characters in my story – those four precious children – died that day as we sat in the doctor’s office. I had created them, I had loved them, and I would never know them.

We grieved. For a long time. We laid our children to rest in our hearts, and we treasured each other as we battled with our grief and my health issues. Others prayed for us and loved us, but I felt abandoned and unloved by God. It was a dark time.

That was six years ago. The pain doesn’t disappear, but you learn to cope with it, and it becomes duller with time. Though big life events (like turning thirty!) have a way of dragging it back to the surface.

The story hasn’t gone to (my) plan. And that’s hard for me to accept. I’m worried that life won’t move forward at all in my thirties, and when forty rolls around, we’ll still be in the same place, with the same pain, watching everyone around us moving on and fulfilling their dreams while we stand still.

He is the author of my life, and he’s already written a beautiful ending, I just can’t see it yet.

But I recognise that I’m worried because I’m not in control. I don’t easily let God take charge. I forget the most important thing –  that he already is in control of my life and I just need to let him lead me, and trust that he has got good intentions for me. Those children were never a part of his story for me, but he’s got something else in mind. He is the author of my life, and he’s already written a beautiful ending, I just can’t see it yet.

And that’s what faith is all about. It’s not trusting something for the sake of trusting it, it’s about having confidence in the power and perfect nature of the One who made and loves you, and letting him be the one to guide you through life. Faith for me is letting go of who I am and what I want, and saying ‘God, you know better, and you’ve got a good and perfect plan. Please lead me where you want me to go, and help me not to try and take back the reigns when things get tough’.

So as my twenties come to an end, and I struggle with what the future holds, I cling to my Father, who loves me more than I could ever have hoped for, and I trust that he’ll be leading me through every ‘plot twist’ that comes my way.

Francesca Battistelli, a Christian songwriter, challenges me with her lyrics:

‘Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won’t You write Your story on my heart.

…I want my history
To be Your legacy
Go ahead and show this world
What You’ve done in me
And when the music fades
I want my life to say
I let You write Your story’

Amen.

*Actually, God wrote my story before I was born. I was the one trying to take life in a different direction to the one he had led me. 

**We even chose middle names!

Helpful Bible Verses:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. (Psalm 34:18)

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. (1 Peter 5:7)

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. (Proverbs 3:5-6)